Opinion

Polar Vortex — the movie

Last week, the Polar Vortex  stalled over the eastern provinces again and froze the land and the people with its icy grip. I love that term ‘Polar Vortex.’

It has great science fiction potential. Not to make fun of the poor folks freezing in Ontario, but I’m sure screen writers are already working on a block buster movie.

It will start out with a young female meteorologist just out of university, who has been tracking changes in the jet stream. Even though she has detected major changes in the wave patterns and extended severe temperature patterns, no one will listen to her or take her seriously.

The seasoned veterans in their black suits take their glasses off and shake their heads as she speaks before them and wink at each other as they check out her young, shapely legs as she storms out of their offices. (Meteorologists always ‘storm out.’)

Finally when Canada is covered with ice from coast to coast and oranges start freezing in Florida, people start to listen to her. We would have to insert pictures of icicles hanging from the Statue of Liberty and the White House barely visible behind snow drifts. The prime minister and the president would call the young lady to appear before them and ask her to find a solution and save the Sochi Olympics, because the Russians can’t get their act together.

Once she is put in charge, she contacts her father’s old friends, who are former Navy Seals, Green Berets and mercenaries. She brings in Clint Eastwood, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger and tells them they have to head to the North Pole and reverse the vortex.

They head out in specially designed Hummers with neat tracks instead of tires and, of course, big  machine guns. Along the way they encounter  starving rebel  forces in Quebec who try to get their supplies. Fortunately Stallone is fluent in French and they get through.

Next they run into herds of savage polar bears that have to be shot and splattered across the ice. Some of the men don’t want to harm the endangered species and it causes a rift in the crew. But then one of the Hummers slips into a crevice, and they have to resort to teamwork to save everyone. Bruce Willis shouts, “We don’t leave anyone behind.” They all hug and shake hands and carry on.

Once they get to the pole, they set up camp smack dab in the eye of the vortex. They open the back of each vehicle and unload two large black boxes. They have brought along a couple of non-tactical nuclear weapons. They are strategically set in place but, just as they are set to detonate, one of them starts to slide into the water  and we lose Arnold as he sacrifices his life to hold the device steady.

The resulting massive explosion reverses the jet stream. If it was a Canadian movie they would find a passive environmental solution, but all American movies must contain a massive explosion somewhere.

The movie ends with  American,  Canadian and  Russian athletes running abreast ,carrying their flags toward the opening ceremonies in Sochi. The unknown heroes are in a small, out of the way bar in Nebraska with the young meteorologist, hoisting a drink and toasting Arnold.

“The Attack of the Polar Vortex” —  coming soon to a theatre near you. At least that’s what McGregor says.

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