McGregor Says: Gender inequality at the outhouse

I am glad that I am a guy. Maybe that sounds a bit arrogant, but every day there seems to be more reasons for making that statement.

I have two pairs of shoes, one brown, one black, I have one five-year-old wallet that holds all my stuff and matches all my clothes. If I am a groom, all I have to do is rent a tux and show up.

There are many personal and social reasons to remind me to be thankful for my gender.

This summer, during a discussion with four lady friends, they reassured me just how lucky I was. The discussion was centered on outdoor car shows, fairs, music concerts or community events. The one thing these events have in common is the port-a-potty. The privy, the outhouse, the jiffy john — whatever name you may have for the original unisex washroom, they stand along the fence or the edge of the field at every event.

I learned some amazing facts about women using these facilities. Apparently, no part of their body is allowed to contact anything inside this chamber of horrors. The door latch is closed with your elbow because who knows who might have touched it last.

No part of your clothing should touch the floor and this can mean assuming a position whereby your hands are holding up your pants and you are gripping the strap of your purse in your mouth. I learned that if a purse touches the floor of an outhouse, that purse must then be thrown away.

To maintain this crouch for any length of time requires at least four groups of muscles. This explains why so many women go to yoga or Zumba classes, because a cramp in a calf or a thigh could cause a loss of the intricate balance required for this event.

A loss of balance could send you forward into the plastic door and possibly outside into the waiting line up, or worse yet, backward on to the seat of this den of evil where there are billions of types of bacteria carrying thousands of diseases known and unknown to man.

The entire time this is taking place they are holding their breath and repeating, “Don’t look down, don’t look down.” It seems that any olfactory or visual stimulation can initiate the gag reflex which creates a whole new set of problems.

There is an additional scenario which includes the introduction of a wasp or a large spider into this dark lair, but that is another story in itself.

Once finished, they lather with 10 or 12 pumps from the soap dispenser and burst through the door gulping in fresh air like a pearl diver surfacing from the depths.

Quite an ordeal, indeed.

Meanwhile, I walk in, whistle a happy tune, wipe my hands on my jeans and I’m done.

If you believe in reincarnation, put your order in now to come back as a guy.

At least that’s what McGregor says.

Just Posted

VIDEO: Snowfall’s timing perfect for young sledders

Langley kids made the most of a district-wide pro-d day on Friday

Langley work crews prep for significant dump of snow

Work underway to keep roads as clear and safe as possible

Rivermen’s Bernard a nominee for top d-man

Langley’s Colin Bernard has been a steadying presence on Rivermen blue-line

TransLink says 28 new Skytrain cars to arrive early

The cars for the Expo and Millennium lines will now be delivered three years earlier

UPDATE: 10-20 cm of snow expected Friday in Lower Mainland

Snowfall warning in effect from North Shore mountains out to Hope

Therapy dogs make appearance at B.C. Games

The St. John’s Ambulance therapy dog program launches a pilot project at the 2018 Kamloops B.C. Winter Games

Sticking the landing at the B.C. Games

Gymnasts talk competition, B.C. Winter Games, and teamwork in Kamloops

$153M in federal cash to fund child care, education training in B.C.

Bilateral agreement will create 1,370 new infant and toddler spaces

A B.C. woman talks her life in the sex trade

A view into the life from one Kelowna prostitute and the issues it can cause for women

Twitter feed prays for — instead of preying on — B.C. MLAs

Non-partisan Christian group wants to support politicians through personalized prayer

Guards hold noon-hour protest over prison safety

Number of inmates, attacks on officers, increasing says union

UPDATE: At least two hospitalized after plane leaves runway at Abbotsford Airport

Incident occurred around noon on Friday; Transport Canada investigating

Hundreds march for justice in death of Winnipeg teen

Tina Fontaine was pulled from a river in 2014, her body wrapped in a blanket and weighed down by rocks

Most Read